GRIEVING THE LOSS OF LOVE

.... Something to ponder about. I remember this article being shared by my Philosophy professor. 

Grieving the loss of love means fully feeling and then releasing all the painful emotions that come up when we reflect on our loss.

Although this is an automatic process, there are many ways we can interfere unknowingly. As the previous chapter explains, one common mistake is to move on too quickly, not giving ourselves enough time to grieve. Yet another mistake is not giving ourselves permission to experience all our feelings.

                When we lose a partner or a relationship ends, we expect to feel waves of sadness and sorrow, but this is only a part of the grieving process. To release our attachment to a person or relationship, other feelings need to be experienced and released.

THE FOUR HEALING EMOTIONS

To release our attachment, we need to experience four healing emotions: anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow. As long as we continue to feel angry or sad, we are still attached in some way. If we feel fear and sorrow, we are not yet open to the new possibilities that exist for us. Each of these four healing emotions is vitally important if we are to let go and to move on. They play an essential role in the process of releasing attachment and “resetting” our hearts.

Just as a broken bone needs to be reset to heal correctly, our desires must also be reset. Instead of continuing to look in one direction for our wants and needs, we must reset our direction to open ourselves to new sources of love and support. Exploring and feeling the four healing emotions frees us to adjust our wants, expectations, needs, and hopes. Each of these four primary healing emotions plays an important role. Let’s examine and explore the significance of each.

HEALING EMOTION 1: ANGER

                Anger allows us to explore emotionally what has happened that we didn’t want to happen. Anger is the emotional recognition that we are not getting what we want. It is an alarm signal that commands us to stop and to adjust ourselves to what has happened. After a loss, unless we give ourselves permission to be angry, we may remain stuck in a numb, lifeless, and passionless state. Feeling anger breaks us free from indifference and reconnects us to our passion for love and life.

Feeling then releasing anger reconnects us to

our passion for love and life.

                As a result of feeling anger, we are able to release our attachments to our past wants and to begin to feel new wants and desires free of attachment. When desire is free of attachment, we are open to all possibilities. Instead of “I want my partner’s love,” the need becomes “I want of be loved.” Contained within unattached desire is the intuitive ability to recognize new and appropriate sources of love and support.

HEALING EMOTION 2: SADNESS

                Sadness allows us to emotionally explore what did not happen that we wanted to happen. Sadness is the emotional recognition of what we wanted to happen that didn’t. After a loss, unless we give ourselves permission to be sad, we cannot adjust our expectations to what is now possible. Feeling sadness reconnects us to our ability to love, value, and enjoy what we do have. While anger gradually renews our passion for life, sadness opens our hearts to feel the sweetness of love once again.

Feeling and then releasing sadness opens our

hearts to feel the sweetness of love once

again.

                As a result of feeling sadness, we are able to surrender up our resistance to what has happened and gradually to accept the loss. This surrender provides the basis for adjusting our expectations. Going back and feeling the various nuances of what we wanted to happen is essential if we are to reset our expectations. Instead of “I expect my partner’s love,” our need becomes “I expect to be loved,” Contained within this unattached expectation is the unfolding confidence and self-assurance that we can get what we want.

HEALING EMOTION 3: FEAR

Fear allows us to explore what could happen that we do not want to happen. Fear is not a prediction of doom, but an emotional recognition of what we do not want to happen. Feeling fear and our resistance to what could happen reconnects us to our vulnerability. That reconnection provides the ability to discern what we need and can depend on now.  It assists us to open up to receive the support we need and fills our hearts with courage and gratitude.

Feeling and then releasing fear provide the

ability to discern what we need and can

depend on now.

                As a result of feeling our fears, we are able to adapt our needs to what is available now instead of continuing to need what is no longer ours. Instead of “I need my partner’s love and support,” our need becomes “I need to be loved and supported.” Contained within this unattached need is the power and determination necessary to find love again.

HEALING EMOTION 4: SORROW

                Sorrow allows us to explore what cannot happen that we want to happen.  Sorrow is the emotional recognition that what we want to happen cannot be. This awareness is crucial to letting go of an attachment. Sorrow is an acknowledgement of our powerlessness to undo what has happened. By reflecting on what is not possible we shift to our ability to discern what is possible. This ability assists us in receiving the compassion necessary to heal our wound and eventually provides the inspiration to give the love in our heart once again. Ultimately, the emotional resignation of sorrow brings us peace.

Feeling and then releasing sorrow provides

the ability to discern what is possible.

                As a result of feeling sorrow, we are able to release our past hopes and eventually find new hope. Instead of “I wish my partner was here to love me,” our need becomes “I hope to be loved.” Contained within this unattached hope is the intention and motivation required to start over once again. Until the light of new hope begins to emerge, we cannot fully experience the flow of love once again within our hearts. As hope dawns, we begin to feel released from the darkness of our despair.

                Each of the four healing emotions lays an essential part in the process of healing a broken heart. One is not better than the other, nor is there a particular order in which we should feel them. Quite often, after a loss or disappointment, we will experience first the anger, then sadness, then fear, and finally sorrow. Yet in different situations and with different people, the healing emotions come up in a different order.

                Being aware of all four healing emotions assists us in fully exploring our feelings to heal our hurt. When even one emotion is neglected, it can delay or even obstruct the healing process. To grieve the loss of love properly, we need to make sure that in our mind we give our heart permission to feel each of the four healing emotions.

NEGATIVE EMOTIONS HELP US TO CHANGE DIRECTIONS

If we are driving a car in one direction and decide to stop to turn around, we have to apply the brakes. Feeling the four healing emotions resembles the process of putting on the brakes before we can turn around. The mind recognizes we have to change directions, but it is the role of the heart to put on the brakes. In order to change directions and love again, we must first stop holding on and let go in our hearts.

                Grieving our loss is a process of letting go that free us to change directions and assists us to update our wants, expectations, needs, and hopes. As we stop depending on our partner’s love, which is no longer available, we are able to open up to receive the abundance of love that is available.

                We cannot release an attachment and move on unless we first become aware of it.  Emotional pain signals that we are still holding on to what is no longer available. Feeling that pain associated with each of the four healing emotions eventually triggers a release from pain. If someone tossed you a hot potato, you would automatically toss it away. In a similar way, when we automatically let go. By experiencing the healing emotions, the pain diminishes and we are eventually able to fully let go.

When we are fully able to experience the

pain  of holding on, then we automatically

let go.

                If we are unable to experience the complete range of our feelings, we can become stuck at any one level. Instead of feeling our emotions and then finding relief, we end up stuck in negative feelings. Being stuck means that no matter how much we feel an emotion it doesn’t go away. Instead of letting go we eventually become numb; instead of opening our hearts to new opportunities for love and happiness, we close up.

Instead of feeling our emotions and then

finding  relief, we can get stuck in negative

feelings.

                To complete the grieving process each of the four healing emotions must be fully experienced. Most people, unaware of this dynamic, unfortunately never complete the healing process. When they lose love, they experience one or two healing emotions, but not all four. Instead of moving on, they become stuck. ssss

## John Gray, Mars and Venus: Starting Over. (London:Vermilion, 1998) pp.32-38.